The biological time bomb is ticking

So I’m 23 and a half and not married.

Is this bad?

Apparently!

I must’ve missed the memo, but it seems if you are not married by the time you turn 24 you die, (I’d like to imagine by explosion). I say 24, because I’ve now seen a few examples of people, all 23, that have gotten engaged fairly quickly. I’m talking after dating for a month or less. I’m sorry but that does not a strong relationship make. May they work out? Absolutely. Is it still ridiculous? Absolutely.

Now let me clarify it’s not the age  but the speed. I’ve gone to 2 weddings now, both cases they were 23, and know others who were engaged earlier. The difference is these people dated for years… Not a few weeks.

I also can’t help but notice in one case the 2 were friends for a long time, (but friendship is not dating) and in another the two go back to the High School days. So it seems after you realize “Oh hell, Im 23 and not married” you best grab the closest single person! No time to find someone new, go with a safe choice! It must be a combo of passion and desperation.

The latter is sad, but the former is just a bit less sad…Passion is great, and I’ll admit maybe I’m too cold, too thoughtful and meticulous…but you can’t make such a huge life choice on passion. The most extreme example I know is: one night. That’s right, one night, then BOOM! “will you marry me?”

It has to be passion and desperation.

So that’s that

Now, I need to get myself out there. I’m sick of being alone, it’s gotten bad enough I look at pictures on FB and think “god I wish I could just ask them out”. So yeah, I need to get in the game, but I also know if I am not yet married when I turn 24…well guess I’ll be in pieces all over the place.

Fear and Self Loathing in New Jersey

That about says it all.

I am scared, and I hate myself.

Not in a depressed/emo way (if that sounds possible) because it’s not for no reason…quite the contrary. I know exactly the reason. I am a bum. I am 23 and still living with my parents, I have no job, I’m selling things on Craigslist and E Bay to survive. Seriously, I’ve sold my XBOX 360, PS3 and now iPod…so I can go out to eat occasionally, hang out with friends, drive…and pay for a trip. Maybe it was dumb to plan a major trip but hey, gotta live!

Which I havn’t been, I’ve been sitting inside a lot doing nothing. Even when I go out for walks, it’s not like that does much of anything. I should be sitting on my ass, but putting in job apps. 100 a day. I know without doubt it’s all about the number. The more sent out, the better chances…yet I don’t do it. I don’t even know why. My situation is 100% my own doing. My god, I dont even want to think about how much time I’ve wasted these past months.

While my friends have been successful. I see it all over Facebook. One of my closest friends has been out of his home for a bit now. He’s married, and now has a good job and a nice house. Most I know have at least moved out on their own. And here I am…23 and a half, still at home, not independent at all, staying up late and typing shit in a blog no one will ever see. I get depressed, because I’m so lazy, and not helped that I stay up to horrid hours, and wake up obscenely late. My dad has been working from home lately and I feel ashamed whenever I wake up at 10 am to noon (ok sometimes later) and have to see him there working. What pains me the most is of course, I can only blame myself.

I think I’m scared..I have no idea of what. I do know I am scared for my mother, constantly worrying about her job, (more like when is it gunna be cut). The job market IS tough, and others I know have struggled. I’ve even had some success searching just to have nothing come from it…or more frustrating, a guaranteed position (though temporary) which was blown because of business mismanagement. Still, it’s all on my shoulders. Hell, I could be applying to jobs right now!

So that’s that…I pretty much hate myself right now. I am stupid, stupid and lazy. It’s costing my parents, and its costing me. No wonder I feel so down, I spend most of my days doing nothing.

The plan is in my head: Put in at least 20 job apps a day (this is the minimal). When not doing that I will get myself in shape. Cut out all the crap I drink, exercise more, get in better sleep habits. Also, get back to writing!! It is my only real dream…

However, can I translate this into reality? I don’t have someone to stand by and shock me when I slack off, so somehow I need to derail the lazy train…I need to do something productive with my time. I need to set official goals and force myself to work for them. I just want a job, (ideally well paying) but something, anything to make me money…I want to start saving up so I can move out, and finally become independent. Only way is to start moving forward.

Peace

 

Quite a hectic time

Well I already forgot about this thing, honestly it happened even quicker than I expected.

Anywho been a hectic couple of weeks.

Went to Hershey Park, which was awesome, and the new coaster there is a beast. Though it was hot as hell.

Chilled at home for 2 weeks doing my usual bumming, listening to music, walking, failing to write and occasionally putting in job apps. I’ve really been slacking with that and I pretty much hate myself for it.

I trekked out to PA again, this time for a wedding. I had to go alone because I’m such a loser I couldn’t get a date for it LOL but it was a good time. Nice ceremony, good people getting married and it was a fun reception with lots of drinking.

Came back home and this is where the fun really begins. I woke up Monday morning, choking. Yup, woke up gasping for air. Maybe it was for half a second, all I know is it was fucking scary and unpleasant to say the least. But I was OK….I figured this may warrant a trip to the doctor and good news is my heart is perfectly fine. However, I apparently have a narrow throat (yeah…) and have developed allergies and/or sleep apnea. So if there’s swelling in my throat I dont have much room in there…who knows what happened that night but I’m fine and don’t have anything so bad. I have meds now to tackle the swelling, and am doing breathing exercises to increase my lung capacity.

Oh that too, besides the small throat and swelling turns out my lungs are not efficient. Not for any reason, (I dont smoke or anything) they just dont work at their best… Hey not that bad though, never was an issue before and hopefully I can increase my lung capacity like a beast. Maybe I’ll celebrated by inhaling deeply at the top of a mountain.

So yeah, I feel like a slut since I am currently inserting so many things into my body (whether its pills or nasal spray) but things are good. I booked a hotel, (and tickets) for Cedar Point with some friends this August and I am stoked. Absolutely stoked.

So yeah, I’m tired and gunna end this mad rambling: Went to Hershey Park, went to a Wedding, had a medical crisis, trying to put in job apps. I’m gunna try to get back into writing…I have ideas ranging from non fiction, political talk to an idea about a boy who’s dream is to be President, and even a sci fi type idea…

Peace, to all 0 of you reading!

Small town Satanism

Supposedly Vineland, NJ was infested was Satanists for quite a while (the 50′s to 80′s I believe) and were responsible for kidnapping and killings. Here’s a video of someone’s personal telling of a murder that happened in 1971.

It may start slow but give it time, it builds. That’s all I’ll say, it builds…and there’s some great black/surreal humor! I love this. Hoping to one day make an album based on the topic and in a similar style.

The actual file is not mine, but I added pictures (a few stills of grim things and Satan/Baphomet for ambiance)

 

Another terrible night of sleep

As I get older, I can’t bounce back like I used to. Sleeping on 3 hours, just to wake up and go to class, or taking hour and a half naps to make it through a 30+ hour frantic paper writing session. Oi! How dumb we are.

Those days are certainly gone, I can’t wake up with under 6 hours now. Seriously, my alarm could be a cow kicking me in the face…it’s just not happening. I pushed it to the limit this time, 5 am to 11 am…can’t afford to be up later. I need to pack, shower and shave. Taking a weekend trip to Pennsylvania, gunna see some old friends, and go to Hershey Park. A bit worried about some things…(involving a certain person mainly) but generally excited. New coaster is opening, so stoked.

Sunday is the Monaco Grand Prix and Indy 500.

Good times

 

First Post

Well, that about says it all.

This is…the first post.

First of many I’m sure. To anyone who may see this, I make no guarantee this blog will be interesting, entertaining or even worth your time. All I will guarantee is that it’s me. This is my outlet to talk about, well…whatever is on my mind at the time. It could be music, sports, politics, my day, my general thoughts or just whatever random stuff I feel like.There will be some heat of the moment stuff, as well as long pondered stuff.

I will post all my music reviews, (something I am probably too proud of) as well as pictures, videos, and eventually my music. I am currently instrument-less, (and recording equipment…less) but ideas are always floating around my head. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a while, I’m determined to eventually do it.

So that’s that. What else for an opening post? Hmm…about me? I go by JJLehto, named after a Finnish race car driver…yeah that’s right. I like sports: Motorsports (Formula One, Sports Car, Indy) Football (or handegg as its so lovingly called in the non US) and baseball. I love music, mainly progressive rock and metal, but I like everything from thrash metal to jazz, punk and classical.  I love nature. I try to enjoy the simple things in life. I’ve always marched to the beat of a different drummer, felt a bit of a disconnect with the generality of everything…but maybe I’m just a little depressed haha!

Woo, that was quite a first post. This is pretty much it, unfiltered stream of conscious…though at least future posts will have a specific topic. Oh, and I try to be all grammatically correct and proper but this is my vent… and it’s also the internet! So it’s not gunna be perfect and I really don’t care. Besides, I spent 16 years of school writing, quite well I’d say, so it’s time for a break!

Enjoy